Having been a dedicated waitress for the past 2 years (as well as a dedicated eater for the past 20), I have spent a lot of time around food. I have relished and savored many wonderful concoctions and gulped down a few dishes that were more than disappointing. However, there always seems to be this issue that comes up with many (not all, but many) meals that are served on a regular basis. And that issue is, what kind of sauce or dip one is going to use to better the flavor of this already delicious OR less than satisfying meal?
Hence, I have decided to speak aloud my personal thoughts on all these little extras that are added to our every day foods and what is so great (or so awful) about each of them.
Shall we?
Ketchup: Let's start with the All-American Basic Condiment; Ketchup! Formally known as 'catsup' but only the elderly use that term nowadays. Ketchup is that red, sometimes tangy but sweet condiment that we all know and love. It is mainly essential for burgers, hotdogs, and french fries, but is often used for other foods, like chicken and some fried appetizers. Now, for some God-awful reason that has yet to be explained to me, ketchup is also used to better satisfy the taste buds of steak, eggs, and even macaroni & cheese eaters! Come on, people! How can you take the most basic condiment and turn it into something so repulsive? I think mixing ketchup with macaroni or eggs is a given. Even those of you who like to eat it know it's strange! But I think that some people were simply raised improperly when they were allowed to put ketchup on their steaks as a child. Sadly, they never grew out of it as an adult. Overall, ketchup is a "Yes, use it, but use it properly, thank you."
Mustard: Ahh, mustard. Ketchup's best buddy. The pepper to the other's salt. And quite literally. Isn't it true that ketchup is needed in more situations than mustard, and salt is needed more often than pepper? They both usually go together, but most often if the more popular of the two is at the table throughout a sitting, quite frequently, no one will notice that the other is missing. Every once in a while, someone might whine, "Hey, where's the mustard?", but no one else will really care where it is, nor make much of an effort to get any...because many people do not need pepper, just like they do not need mustard. I, personally, like to use mustard on many things, usually burgers, hotdogs, and sandwiches. Also, after Thanksgiving is over and there's tons of leftover turkey, I like to take that cold turkey out of the refrigerator and dip it into a small cup of mustard. I find it delicious. Otherwise, mustard doesn't really get that much of a workout...
Mayonnaise: "My friends call me 'Mayo' "
Now, whomever invented Mayonnaise was clearly bored with the happy world of red and yellow condiments and decided to make something that tastes just as monotonous as it looks, just so we could take the color down a bit. Whatever the reason was, I still cannot find the point in using mayonnaise. I never see it used for anything more than sandwiches or burgers, and even then it seems pointless. I do say, I've tried mayonnaise before, on more than one occasion, and every time, I feel as though I only notice it is there because I can physically feel the creamy mayonnaise on my food, not because I can taste it, not because I can savor the flavor. To me, mayonnaise is that fat friend that follows everyone around and thinks he deserves all the popularity and glory because he is cousins to Kathy Ketchup and Michael Mustard . People try to like him, because he seems nice, but he doesn't really have a personality, you just notice him because he's there. I think mayonnaise is an "Ok, use it if you like it" but not a must-do for virtually any food worth eating.
Barbecue Sauce: Oh good o'l B-B-Q! Here's the thing about barbecue sauce; I love it, but I only love it sometimes. What I mean by that is that there is such a variety of barbecue sauces out there, it's close to impossible to really say that you LIKE barbecue sauce in general, because unlike the rarely changing taste of ketchup, yellow mustard, or yes, even "Call-Me-Mayo" Mayonnaise, barbecue sauce often has a distinctly different taste depending on where you try it and what brand and flavor it is. Is it Original? Honey Barbecue? Maybe it's Smokehouse. Or maybe it's Teriyaki Barbecue! Perhaps it's a store-brand sauce or homemade by the restaurant at which one is dining. When people ask me if I like barbecue sauce, I often feel like questioning, "What kind?"
Tartar Sauce: Now I can honestly say that I am not an expert on tartar sauce. It has not been until recently that I have started to really even eat seafood, and even now that I do eat it, I still don't use tartar sauce. However, when I used to wait tables, I would have to take a container of our in-house-made tartar sauce each day and scoop out small portions of the sauce into little cups to be served. I must say, having done that each day may have scarred me for life. The way it looks alone is enough for me to say "No way!", and I am often not one to refuse food for its appearance. Tartar sauce, to me, looks like somebody with the figure of gluttony stuffed themselves with a feast of mustard, Mayo, green beans, relish, and potato salad and then regurgitated. The sauce is chunky, smelly, and offensive to almost all five senses. Thumbs down for tartar sauce.
Horse Radish: Perhaps one of the most offensive-smelling foods on the face of the earth, horse radish has me stumped on how it is even existing in the food-eating world. I do not understand horse radish in the very least. I know that it is most often used for prime rib and roast beef, but the reasoning behind it is beyond me. Horse radish gives off a horrendously strong odor, yes odor, that reminds one of b.o. and gasoline. It has a wet, yet spongey, yet gritty, yet slimy texture and, in my experience, is impossible to get down the esophogas without heaving. Thumbs down for horse radish as well.
Creamy Horse Radish: Taste-wise, I do not know the difference between raw and creamy horse radish. I usually don't notice as much of a distinct smell as I do in the raw version, but there is definitely a significant variation in physical appearance. Creamy horse radish surely looks like it had more time with the cook. It looks whiter, maybe even a little gray, with more chunks and less water. It's as if raw horse radish is the cancerous version of its creamy friend. Creamy HR reminds me of an almost perfect mixture of tartar sauce and raw horse radish, but with less color and less smell. Even though it is probably not as bad as the previous two, I still say that creamy horse radish is a no-go.
Aus Jus: You either know how to say it, or you don't. Aus jus is that hot flavorly "steak broth", (s'il vous plait) that is used to "juice up" a prime rib. In my opinion, it is absolutely delicious! I could sip this stuff alone, like soup, or maybe even with crackers. I don't honestly know how they make aus jus, but I'm sure it would not be difficult to find out since I work in a restaurant. Regardless of how it's done, the A-J is certainly one of my favorite add-on sauces, even though it is primarily only used for one food.
A1: Before we start here, let's just get one thing straight; I do not generally believe in steak sauce. That being said, if you must use steak sauce, either because the chef did not properly season your steak or because you prefer the less-than-glorifying taste of any temperature above medium rare, yes, I recommend A1 sauce. It is flavorful and steak-like. It generally makes a steak taste more like a steak. It's a great way to cover the awful taste of an overdone ribeye or poorly seasoned New York strip. However, this sauce should be used sparingly, as the citizens of the United States erstwhile spoil that already delicious flavor of an accurately cooked steak (usually with ketchup or cheese on top).
Heinz 57: I find no need to buy Heinz 57 when it is easily homemade. Simply mix A1 sauce with an equal ratio of ketchup, and voila; Heinz 57. The PERFECT "steak sauce" for those of you steak ruiners! Need I say more? I think I ought not.
Cocktail Sauce: I think...that cocktail sauce....is an acquired taste. To me, it is absolutely disgusting, BUT...I do not customarily eat cold shrimp. However, I do know that it is made from raw horse radish mixed with the proper ratio of ketchup. What is a fancy way to say, 'Ew'? If you can think of one, please let me know and send it to me, that way I can sound like a smarter writer! Back on topic, this stuff is an awful and pungent mixture of sweet ketchup and overly bitter horse radish to make for one hell of a foul-tasting dip.
Relish: Since I am not a fan of sweet pickles in the least, I have never willingly used relish to better a hotdog (I think that's the only food it's used for). I guess if you like your franks to be sweet and slimy, by all means. But I feel like relish gives off an arrogant odor, by preference, and has quite an odd texture to the tongue. Does no one else feel as though they have to bite through several layers of juice-squirting relish to get through a tiny morsel? I think I'll stick to onions..
Tabasco Sauce: OK.
I think. I like Tabasco Sauce.
I don't know what I like it on.
But I think I like it.
I have recently acquired a taste for "hotter" and spicier foods.
Lo, I have warmed up to Tabasco Sauce.
Had I written this piece l'anno scorso
(last year)
I would have written an awful review.
Not much to say about something you like,
especially when you do not know what you like it on.
But yes.
Thumbs up for Tabasco Sauce.
Ranch Dressing: I know that this is a "salad dressing," if we are being politically correct, and I know I have prejudicely discriminated against all the other dressings by not including them, but I think that over the decade, ranch dressing has slowly but surely began to count as a 'dip'. I see it every day. "Can I have ranch dressing for my fries? My chips. My chicken fingers. My pizza crust," ..to infinity! To be honest here, I use ranch as a dip too. And oddly enough, for anything EXCEPT a salad! Ranch was primarily created for salads (correct me if I'm wrong). I was personally raised on Italian dressings, or oils and vinegars, something thinner or more diluted. Otherwise, I think that ranch dressing is a zesty alternative to a ketchup, barbecue, salsa, or any other quote-on-quote "dips dips and condiments" (Andy Beehart) that one might use to better or worsen their dish!
Please let me know of any more condiments, dips, or sauces that you would like me to critique, or if you have a rebuttle to anything I have said thus far!
Thanks!
-AndyB.
Today is October 11, 2009. 
